The latest Christmas Carol

Christmas Eve late

(Every Christmas I get visited by three wretchedly self-righteous ghosts who have the nerve to criticise my conduct. Yours Truly! War hero and best-selling author! You can listen to thoughts on these spectral nuisances here. The following is the latest update.)

Ghost of Christmas Past has just been. He spent his entire visit sitting on the end of my bed crying about his ‘friend’ who has apparently got a bit too ‘cordial’ with some headless cove who haunts Hampton Court.

The Ghost of Christmas Present wouldn’t come into my bedroom as he has a pre-existing condition. He stood outside on the pavement, shouting through my window, while gorging his fat bearded face with a bag of Wimpies. Neighbours must have complained as the police moved him on. 

The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come was a No Show.  Sent a note from his doctor. Apparently when he saw what the future was going to be like, he had a nervous breakdown and is now on tablets.

So I’ve got off relatively Scott-free this year. If only they’d learn there’s no point trying to prick my conscience when I don’t have one. Conscience, that is.

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